Aidpage

Do you know what it's like, to have your whole world turned upside down and not know which direction to turn> I Do. Do you know what it's like to feel as if your heart weights 15 lbs. full of love, anger and thinking it's gonna stop beating any time? I Do. The days seem short but the nights so long and I haven't even accomplished anything. Why? Because I have tried hard so many times in my life as a single mother, but fall back down in a deep hole, trying to crawl back out. Seems every person or thing I love passes away or leaves. Do you know what it's like to be in the middle or a puppet on a string...just trying to help the ones I have left to love? I Feel Hopeless. Do you know what it's like to be afraid to laugh anymore, knowing it won't last long? Do you know what it's like to be lucky enough to have a meal with you family, while our politicians and wealthy are eating steak and caviar? I DO! I've paid my share of taxes. If I get a raise on ssi of $3.00-it's taken off of some other small benefit, which equals out the same. But still they take and take until theres noway out. Do you know what it's like to be afraid to go to bed at night, because your brain works overtime, trying to think of a way or just being so stressed out? I Do. Then when sleep does come....morning arises your scared to get up? I Am. There's no-way that I can get anywhere, unless I sprout wings and fly. That I or no-one else will evr master. Take a walk in my shoes and others like me( all you wealthy and politicians) that have sold America and our jobs out to other countries. Better yet, TAKE A LONG WALK IN MY FATHER'S WORK BOOTS, WHO HELP PAVE AND BUILD THE ROADS OF AMERICA. And others like him. But you may get dirty with the mud, blood, sweat (no tears) for they were called MEN! Real Americans do not let houses stay vacant, while families remain homeless. Nor do they let their fellowman and children go hungry. I wonder when you lay dow you head at night in your nice pillow.....does it bother you that a lot of families are suffering. And Yes, WE NEED JOBS not PITY. To: the politicians and the ones..who have more money than brains. Aprilrain

I'm in the wind, as it blows through your hair, you can't see me but I am there. Every tear that falls from your eyes, I count them all for I know you care. As raindrops fall and thunder sounds, It will soon pass over and a rainbow shall be found. It's just my way of telling you of love I can't describe. Nevr doubt that Im not with you and your face please do not hide, for I know where to find you even though your feeling down. Keep me in your heart, please nevr let go....for one day you will see me if you let your faith grow, Remember this for me, I was once in your shoes and I know how cruel life can sometimes be. The best treasures of life are all around, through suffering and pain...theres still some good to be found., I know they are hard to find with dark clouds abound. When the sun finally shines through your window and dries up your tears.....remember me for I am still here. Aprilrain Dedicated to all who have lost loves ones and people we love and miss. GB U

 in response to lunar*star...   LUNA*STAR: I am so sorry for the last post that I sent u. After I posted it and re-read it, it did not sound good...and I could not redo it. I made it to sound like that u weren't trying, and I know u have..and believe me I know of the hurt. Please forgive me, it's been on my mind for awhile. I'm very, very depressed..trying to figure out how to get bck to being me. I'm not the same person anymore. I sleep..just to escape pain for awhile. Then when I wake up I am in fear. I'm glad and hope you r doing better. Tough times just keep on raining down. I feel so lonely. I nevr even go outside. I don't care about myself anymore. Which is very un-natural 4 me. I feel like a broken person(and much like u), hav had a hard life. Heartbroken all the time. I hav always had faith and was brought up in baptist churches. I want to get better. Can u forve me, and give me some advice. My family life is in a mess right now. I used to have that pretty smile, I don't evn care if I brush my teeth. Sometimes, I evn forget what day it is. Believe it or not...I'm even afraid to go anywhere----I don't hav a car, but I can walk some now, since I broke my foot awhile bck...i'ts not healing as fast as I thought. Some ppl I think, think of me as an easy target to pick on. I will take so much and then I get too angry . Now I am dealing with my nerves. Just feel broken. GB U and pray for me. I kno I need to pray again. I used to say my prayers everynight. But sometimes I just talk to God and ask for forgiveness. He knos what in our hearts...when no-one else understands. Aprilrain

why does it state on my e-mail that I have messages, I look but I don't have any. Then it says. I have groups of interest to me. Doesn't make sense. When I go to my messages, I have none. Someone needs to get it straightened out. But, I look and read anyway. Just wondering. Aprilrain.........rough day and evening for me. It seems my life has crumbled into schreds of weeds. I try to be good to all. I feel what a lot here feels..alone and severely depressed. I don't wanna be this way. I can't stand living in a dysfunctional family...and Im the one footing what bills I can pay. And they turn against me. Nevr dreamed of this. Im so sad and lonely. aprilrain

mistake on what I wrote: on last for my reward I can appreciate, not easy to get-not easy to take.

I wrote this many yrs ago, and I have more. It's how I feel. This is not poetry but called prose. Because it's like a small story. The Rat Race Of Society...........I linger behind as if I were blind. Blinded by my own doubts and fear....my heart pounding,thats not the direction I want to stear. Blaming others would be very unkind, my conscious tells me " thats not my place in line." Though to be first, I often thirst....I often wonder it could be worse. I don't want to fall too far behind, I am not eager to be number one in line. If others should follow me and I could not see, what could be waiting around the path for me. I suddenly feel a slight bright glow, of wanting to be the first to go...my surroundings quickly turns to darkness and tell me "NO." Others pass me up running to a fro-then I shall follow, but very slow. What they are searching for I don't know! Nothing comes easy in life, I know. Maybe it's love, understanding or greed. I wish it were peace, which is hard to achieve. Patience and strength I try to conceive, for I am the smallest and considered as weak. Trying to carry my load and share; For the others don't seem to care. Pushing, shoving is not where I lone to be...let them go first---I don't desire to see. I'll remain far behind and no attention will be paid to me. That's how it is in society. I am now so far behind, but to me they are all so blind. The big fat rats check everything out....for neither do they know what life is all about. All have ran on, I'm left alone. Time and each other they try to beat, greedier than ever craving the biggest treat. Though I wonder, what a huge hole in the wall, all have passed through....but Im the smallest and last, this humongous opening I cannot pass. Maybe if I'm lucky, and I succeed either a crumb or scrap, I will be pleased. Sometimes I have to lose to win, it does't matter for thats where I begin. The first are still running snarling, grasping everythin g in sight. Still some fall over and can't get up...did they win or lose? Or just wante too much. I glance quickly, as the large hole is closing up. I go back...it's impossible you see, I have to knaw my way through the ropes of society. Chewing slowly, while taking a look at whats ahead of me; maybe Im not so blind...finding out the grateful from the unkind. A little light starts to shine---a crumb I find that was not good enough for the unkind. I treasure this gift as small as it seems, The greatest reward I had ever dreamed. Some have gone on, to where I don't know. Probably Still trying to be number one in line, running to a fro. For my reward I can appreciate, to easy to get--not easy to take. For first can be last and last can come first. It only depends on how much we thirst. Aprilrain

 in response to Schmidty...   Schmidty: I hav been on this site for awhile, and I think u r a very thoughtful and helpin person. I used to b so outgoin, but a lot of economic and family...financial problems really took hold of me. Now Im struggling with more depression and I am afraid to go anywhere(plus I hav no vehicle) I hav been in and out of this ordeal for about 3 yrs now. I usually can pull or dig myself out of a hole, and feel good again. Seems like the pain, hurt and problems r too much for me anymore. I hav gone through so much tradgedies and trauma, since I was 21. Now I am older...and I wonder when it is goin to stop. I seem to hav lost site of reality and afraid to face all of it. I afraid and my nerves r really bad. I feel as though I am being pulled from every way, seems nothin I do i do is right anymore. I am not a selfish person. I don't evn take care of myself anymore...afraid I will get knocked down again. Do u kno that analogue( I can't see the forest for the trees?} Ive often wondered about that. I amm 1 big nervous wreck. If I do anything for myself, I feel selfish. I hav a grandaughter that luvs me so much and she is my world. She just turned 11. Her mother is on drugs..she won't let me see her, because I cannot send her money. I practically raised her. My son has trouble finding a job...and I try to help pay some of the child support. When he does get to work, it cost more for gas than what he makes. I hav been through court for my grandaughtr, since she was 3. It hurts so bad, knowin that my grandaughtr is goin through this. DSS, doesn't seem to help much. Her mother threatens my grand-daughter or whips her if she tells anyone. If my son goes to visit her, my ex-daughter in law runs him off and tells all kinds of lies. I dont kno what to do anymore. Please reply.....aprilrain

 in response to lunar*star...   luna star: I just read one of your post. It sounds like mine too. A few yrs ago, my son was having problems and he was diagnoised as manic depressive. He took a rope outside. My nephew, who was older and big a strong was there. As a mother, I knew somwthing was wrong. I tpld my nephew to please watch him, that I was scared he may hurt himself. My son went into the woods and I had gone to my brother, not far away to see if he could help. He was a rev. at that time. He just told me to call the police. I rushed back home and my son was lying on the ground in my yard, where we had a large tree. My nephew was over him trying to get him to breathe. My son is little mand skinny, but my strong nephew(who lifted weights) and was muscular, said that it tokk all his power to try and get him down. He finally started breathing and we got him into the house. His neck was swollwn and mouth foamy. He begged me not to call for help. So I ask him to lie down and took care of him. I still worry today, because he has tried many and many times to kill himself. It's a long story, I just found out a few years ago that my ex-(devil) molested him and my daughter of 4 yrs old(she died at 4) I was always working and nevr realized in my lfe that things like this existed. I was raised in a strict and a family with good morals. He beat me all the time, and I had to work all the time. He has no conscience or heart. I hated him for so many yrs. and started drinking after I left. These memories haunt me day and night. I prayed one night...and I was drinking for God to take the hatred out of my heart for my ex. The next mornin, I found that I did not hate him, but I cannot forget. You r a beautiful person inside and out. aprilrain

My home burned recently, I had homepwners...but as u might know....The insurance isn't fair. It took almost everything for me and my handicapped son to live somewhere else. I cannot afford to even build bck. I am 60 yr old and if any 1 out there has any household items...I would thank God. For I'm havin to get a camper tp live in. The policy did not give us what they should have. I v' had to spend what they give us...which was very little, jus to stay wth someone else. I kno others hav a very hard time, but I am sick and tired and very depressed. AQny items would be appreciated. mail me at pj sparks1938@aol.com God Bless us all aprilrain

How can I help this poor animal? I would luv to send feed or donate a few dollars. This is really sad. Animals should not b treated like that. May God Bless and help u and the dog> I hope he gets bck well. I do not kno how paypal works. So long as it goes to helpin this animal, I am willin to help! Aprilrain animal lover

ru male or female? I was jus wondrin, because I too am lonely an depressed. I am now trying to purhase a home in NC. Since, my home burned. What is ur age? If u r willin to relocate to NC..maybe I can help. Do u hav any kind of income? Jus tryin to help. There r apartments where I live, that HUD will pay most of the rent and close to town. God Bless...Aprilrain

Please... I have been there: I love animals too. But try to hang on. Take care of urself! I hav had my special friends(dogs) taken from me. I kno u luv them but, try to get a good home for them and take care of urself. I kno it seems unfair...believe me it is. I have almost died a few time, because life sems so unfair and my dogs were my best friends. But I had to adopt them out. There is an assisted livin places, where u can live and maybe hav 1 pet. Check into it. God Bless U and ur Friends. Aprilrain

what is ur invention? and how is it supposed to help ppls etc? Just curious. Aprilrain

I love animals...especialy dogs...I would luv to take fluffy and give him or her a good home. I would b overly joyed to take care of fluffy. I am an avid animal lover! contact me at pjsparks1938@aol.com.

Please God, help me to understand and b a better person. I feel as though, I am being punished for all my sins here on earth. It's been 1 struggle after another, for the past 2 yrs. My mother and father raised me to have good morals and respect. Somewhere during my adult life...I feel that I have done something terribly wrong 2 make my life turn out 2 b such a lonely and sad person. As soon as I start working on one problem..bam...I"m back in my rut of sadness and I jus give up. At many times, I feel( like I jus don't have the strength to endure any more.) I used to b a strong person and not many things got in my way in which I could not handle. I survied a very abuse 12 yr marriage, took my 2 children and ran. My children an I were treated badly by my ex. physically, verbably. I kno it's in the past, the physical scars r gone, but the other forms of his abuse(are very hard to get ovr.) I am havin a very hard time with my nerves at this time and getting bck out in public. I don't even care if I brush my hair. I used to not b like this: No-one evr calls, unless it's some collection agency. Economic and hard times have taken a toll on some of my family an me. I kno I am not the only one. Being sick and anti-social is a terrible feeling. I feel that I cannot trust anyone anymore. Living in fear is horrible. it will take me awhile to get to feeling better and start my daily walks again. It happens 2 me a lot. I don't need to put myself down...and drift to far off the shore....it's jus too hard 4 me to swim bck. What is happening to our country? Sometimes ppl can b so rude. Maybe I deserve it. Please Lord help ...so I can help others an my family. Aprilrain

Kriss L: It seems like more &more ppl r not as friendly anymore. I have dealt with a lot of loss in my family. I also, stayed with my brother who passed away about 1 & half yr ago. He had cancer too. He was so humble and free hearted. He had worked hard most of his life. I miss his jokes and smile. He had nevr gotten married but definitely my best friend. I still remembr his tall and slim body, as he stood on his porch, waving and a smile. I knew he was lonely but he nevr complained about his sickness. I suffer from depression. But its hard to tell. Sometimes I will laugh for awhile, the next few hrs pass I'm probably crying or lying down. I have been through a lot also. Past 2 yrs has been a rocky road 4 me. Since my mom passed also with 3 strokes, seems my sistrs and bros(well I'll jus say) we all use to b close and now I hardly see any of them. I jus get lonely an hav no-one 2 talk 2. My son and I, he is grown but been disabled, spent thanksgivin alone& with hardly any food. I stayed in bedroom most of the time...jus wishin some 1 would come by. Your right: I got the chance to tell my bro how much I loved him. My dear mother: I would tell her ovr an ovr how much I loved her. Got to hold her hand...just as she passed..I screamed mom I luv u. I hope she heard me. Sorry about ur loss. My brother's favorite Bible verse was: Cast thy bread upon the waters and it shall come bck to u. I hope u can get some help for your teeth. I could type more but( I hope I'm not soundin selfish) sometimes it hurts so bad when I tell anyone that I am hurtin. At least, they r not in pain anymore. God Bless U Aprilrain